I receive my exam results tomorrow. On the general idea I am not completely worried but when I really think about each individual subject and memory of experience when sitting the exam, my heart freezes up a bit.
It doesn’t help that my mum is frantically searching for her purse containing all of her bank cards and asking whether or not it is too late to drive to the police station.
I feel frustrated when I think about how much control these measly pieces of paper hold over my near and far futures, to be judged and given a grade solely upon one single performance. It is not reliable, countless analysis of biology experiments which I have preformed in class and written about in my actual exam say so. How hypocritical.
Thinking about my subjects feels all too daunting. A mixture of English (first, foremost and favourite), History, Gaelic (Scottish not Irish), Biology, Art and lastly Maths. Mathematics and I live in a tumultuous and bittersweet relationship. I see the attraction to Maths quite clearly, the unchangeable logic and satisfying motions from rules giving you a correct answer at the end of the rainbow is a feeling of upmost relief. It is rare this occurs for me but when it does, the appeal rings clear. However, I am often left in severe frustration and spitting poison at the never ending rule book of equations. I cannot, for the life of me, seem to wrap my head around them all. But this may be due to the fact I hardly ever revised for maths, except for the last five days leading up to the exam itself.
I am my own worst enemy.
I am one of those people who was a constant over-achiever throughout primary years and early secondary years, one who didn’t need to revise due to being able to withdraw the knowledge from my conscience. Yet as the years progressed and the knowledge required became increasingly more in-depth and obscure, my bad habits dug their heels down and stuck. I have been distractedly bashing at those habits with a blunt stick for a while now. They have one heel somewhat unstuck. I digress.
Whatever results I receive tomorrow, I will force myself to smile and joke. Frown then accept. Think deeply then carry on. I want to do good, I do. And I will.