when you start to say ‘no’

It is difficult.

For far, far too long I have nodded, smiled, replied with a positive hum or obeyed blandly. The list goes on.

I am trapped by my obligement, by my demure and people-pleasing manner. I am fully aware it is ingrained into my nature, to avoid confrontation and to follow the simplest path that would include the least amount of stammering justification, muttered tangents of explanation from a small, unsure voice. I decided this option was superior to any other in the way that I was made ‘easy’ for people, that they would talk kindly of my agreeable and similar personality, that I would laugh at their meaningless humour and that’s why they kept me around or even spoke to me at all.

A bland, giggling creature with no particular opinions other than whatever the person they accompanied at that moment believed.

My life is guided by the stories of others, expelled from the books I read, the films I view, the voices I hear. I soak up their characters and their individual voices, views and opinions. I stare dumbly as they stand up for what they believe in.

They argue and debate and protest and disagree. They say no.

Their personalities burn brightly and they become all the more noticeable, it colours peoples’ perspective upon them and makes them immensely interesting. They converse with strangers and share their views and do not exist to please others. They are entirely their own person. It can make one somewhat bitter when a fictional character has a significantly more complex personality than they (a living person) does.

They don’t laugh to fill the silences that seep in between conversations. They do not smile when they do not have to, they do when they genuinely want to encourage someone or when they are happy.

I smile far too much to stay what I thought to be polite, but I found it to be dumbed down obedience. A 2-D personality plastered on cardboard designed only to keep the other person happy. No controversy, no disagreements, no colour. There is no spark behind my agreeable words.

Last Tuesday I disagreed with my music teacher.

My heart thumped and skipped and went cold as she blanched and turned away, before I smiled at myself in the mirror adjacent. Only because I wanted to.

Eilidh.

 

 

 

Exam Results

I receive my exam results tomorrow.  On the general idea I am not completely worried but when I really think about each individual subject and memory of experience when sitting the exam, my heart freezes up a bit.

It doesn’t help that my mum is frantically searching for her purse containing all of her bank cards and asking whether or not it is too late to drive to the police station.

I feel frustrated when I think about how much control these measly pieces of paper hold over my near and far futures, to be judged and given a grade solely upon one single performance. It is not reliable, countless analysis of biology experiments which I have preformed in class and written about in my actual exam say so. How hypocritical.

Thinking about my subjects feels all too daunting. A mixture of English (first, foremost and favourite), History, Gaelic (Scottish not Irish), Biology, Art and lastly Maths. Mathematics and I live in a tumultuous and bittersweet relationship. I see the attraction to Maths quite clearly, the unchangeable logic and satisfying motions from rules giving you a correct answer at the end of the rainbow is a feeling of upmost relief. It is rare this occurs for me but when it does, the appeal rings clear. However, I am often left in severe frustration and spitting poison at the never ending rule book of equations. I cannot, for the life of me, seem to wrap my head around them all. But this may be due to the fact I hardly ever revised for maths, except for the last five days leading up to the exam itself.

I am my own worst enemy.

I am one of those people who was a constant over-achiever throughout primary years and early secondary years, one who didn’t need to revise due to being able to withdraw the knowledge from my conscience. Yet as the years progressed and the knowledge required became increasingly more in-depth and obscure, my bad habits dug their heels down and stuck. I have been distractedly bashing at those habits with a blunt stick for a while now. They have one heel somewhat unstuck. I digress.

Whatever results I receive tomorrow, I will force myself to smile and joke. Frown then accept. Think deeply then carry on. I want to do good, I do. And I will.

Eventually.

Eilidh x