Imperfect

Teen coming-of-age films are far too powerful in shaping how I feel my teenage years are supposed to be.

I have yet to feel completely carefree and happy around anybody at all, people in general make me uncomfortable. I do prefer my own company but to desire that all the time, would result only in loneliness and depression. Groups of teens together are never perfect as some films say them to be, no one gets on with everyone. In the midst of everybody laughing and drinking around me, I copy, yet I cannot shake the feeling of being completely and utterly out of place. I suppose that is how I always will be.

Complete comfort is not something I feel around others. I have yet to feel, within a friend group, pure happiness and a feeling of fitting in. And I am not even that strange, or awkward. I have grown quite successful at laughing encouragingly and being sure to crinkle my eyes when I do so, over half of the times when I laugh is to laugh alongside others or to fill an awkward silence. If I was not to laugh, people would think me rude or think I am merely a sullen, boring character. You have to keep laughing at their jokes, otherwise they realise what your face looks like.

I like laughing, it’s just difficult to find things that make it true.

I like comedians and their stand-up, comedy films, inside jokes with friends etc. I am going to see a comedian tonight in fact. Joe Lycett, I find similarities between him and I. A lingering awkward stance adorned with a curious flare, a staunch fear of confrontation in person and general struggler of life. I have followed his work for a while, I appreciate him for being there. Him in all his ‘painted nail, mad granny, eccentric artist’ glory. Maybe tonight will be a teen ‘coming-of-age’ moment, time will slow as an audience laughs in the empire theatre. A collection of people, different shapes and ages and lifes laughing in unison. A snapshot frame of momentary bliss. I will most likely write about this soon.

Maybe I will up to where he stands upon the stage, and smile, and garner an unknown confidence to live my life like a normal person. Without fear of people and the public and shops and restaurants and strangers and parties and living. I am aware that I am better than I was before, but it’s still not enough

Maybe one day I will be,

Eilidh.